This morning I began to analyze a behavior I’ve had for years while working my morning puzzles. I like the letters on the crosswords to be the same size and shape. If one is not, I erase it and “correct” it, as if it were wrong. With Sudoku, I like the numbers I put in the squares to be the same size as the numbers already printed—and the same distance above the line. How very Monkish of me! (Monk is the fictional obsessive/compulsive defective detective on TV.)
Crosswords have been a long-time love for this wordsmith, and I added Sudoku after a major surgery in May 2006 when my brain didn’t seem to want to come back online. I started doing both crosswords and Sudoku every morning in order to develop the new synapses that researchers said would help keep me from a complete brain warp. (I’ll let you know how that’s working in a few years.☺)
I’ve never thought of myself as a perfectionist. I like things the way I like them (don’t we all?), but they don’t need to consistently meet too high a standard. Anyone who knows me knows my house is never too clean, my ironing never quite done, my dryer frequently full of clothes that have been there for a few days. Toward the afternoon, one can often find a pile of dirty breakfast and lunch dishes in my sink.
However, if this insistence that all my crossword and Sudoku puzzles be uniform isn’t perfectionism, I don’t know what is! Today, I finally asked myself “Why????” The answer was directly in front of me—perfectionism that is rooted in fear.
I’ve been aware of an underlying fear each time I pick up a pencil or pen or sit in front of my computer and each time I enter my office to write. I’ve been aware of the memories of the abuse in my early childhood when I was beaten for trying to learn to write with a pencil. (I suspect my abusers were afraid I would tell, which I certainly did!) This spilled over into my professional writing. I have also been afraid that I wasn’t “good enough” to be a writer or perhaps couldn’t do it at all. (I understand a lot of authors have to overcome this one daily.)
A friend of mine once asked me how I perceived being an author. I immediately said, “It’s like having a playground on the other side of a high fence, and I often don’t know how to get over it.” The fence is fear, which keeps me from writing—at least temporarily. And the way I keep myself afraid is perfectionism. Each day when I open my office doors, I am challenged to get beyond the fear, to sit myself down and write for my scheduled amount of time, no matter how I feel.
A perfectionist? Me? Yep, I guess so—at least when it comes to picking up a pencil or pen, pecking on a computer or doing word games. Can I overcome the downward pressure rooted in my childhood—or the pressure I place on myself because of expectations and fear I allow to color my present? I haven’t got a clue, but you can be sure I’m going to try. And this effort to reach out and share my dilemma is a good beginning. When I get to the point that I don’t care how big the numbers and letters are in crosswords and Sudoku, and when I no longer think about whether I am good enough as a writer, I will know I am firmly on the path to overcoming my own brand of perfectionism. ☺
I’ve never been inclined toward this tendency, but as I read this I realized just the opposite — over the last couple of years my handwriting has declined terribly. I think it’s degraded along with a lot of other details in my life: keeping a clean house, getting my checkbook balanced on time each month, and even folding the laundry nicely.
I think while you’re trying to overcome a wall of fear about how you perform, I’m feeling fear about time. I don’t have time to write well, or finish the laundry in more than 3 minutes. Perhaps while you are working to overcome your fears with shortcuts, I should overcome mine with a few deep breaths and remembering that a few stitches in time just might save nine.
I agree, Paula. Everyone has some of this. Sometimes it can get in the way. However, I agree you are “making the world a better place.” Marcia, mine tends to be a minus when applied to writing and, like with yourself, a plus when applied to organizational efforts.
I can so identify with the perfectionist tendencies. I have several perfectionistic things that I do around organizing certain things in the closet, kitchen cupboards etc. This organization I find very helpful as it saves time in the long run.
There are other areas of my life that i put off and procrastinate in getting them done as I tell myself I need to wait until I can start & complete the job the same day, thus it may wait a very long time to get completed. There is a certain perfectionistic piece to this that is immobilizing. I think fear of not doing the job perfectly interferes as well. So perfectionism can have it’s pluses & minuses.
I think it’s called OCD 😉 I have come to the conclusion that everybody is obsessive/compulsive about SOMETHING. For me it’s being organized. If I am in a department store and see a blouse in the wrong place, I will move it to where it belongs. I like to have towels hung so that you see the folded edge, not the open edges. That kind of thing. Personally I like to believe I am making the world a better place with my idiocyncracies!
I don’t think of myself as an artist and definitely not an author, but have some of the same tendencies toward being a perfectionist in certain areas; Time is a factor, as is whether it is an area that is enjoyable or that involves creativity. I am not nearly as disciplined or introspective as you, and therefore have never analyzed my behavior to any great extent. I think you have nothing to fear and shouldn’t over analyze. Your writing is great…however you arrive at your finished product.
You’re welcome, Deb. I can say from experience because you’ve done my photography that you are a terrific artist!!!
This is true not just for writers. Probably many artists struggle with these same misgivings. I feel the same fence every time I pick up my camera, especially for a client. I set the bar so high for myself that I frequently almost make myself sick with anxiety. I was so afraid that I would fail at the job I was being paid to do. Like you, I have experienced the fear that I wasn’t creative enough and/or didn’t really have the skills at all to succeed at my craft. This wasn’t necessarily bad because it motivated me to search for inspiration and continue to refine my skills. Thank you for your honesty and sharing your own struggles.
My, how this blog has encouraged dialog. I guess everyone deals with this in one form or another and with different methods. Thank you all for your insights.
Dear Laurel,
I’ve been working with God on the myriad of fears that I have accumulated since childhood. My mother is the epitomy of Fear Perfectionism meaning that she gets the highest award – for her expertise in this department which she passed on to all of our family and everyone she knows. It is like a disease. The saying does that the powers of the world know that the way to take down a country is to fill its subjects with fear – which is airborne. I believe this to be true. Thankfully, after learning of a man named Henry Wright of Be In Health (beinhealth.com) and the author of A More Excellent Way, I discovered that fear can be overcome with the help of God. In fact, any addiction can be overcome with God’s help. It says in scripture that “with God all things are possible” and it also says that apart from God, we can do nothing! So that proves my point. I long thought that “I” would overcome fear by simply rejecting it, or doing my daily affirmations, writing things down that you were believing for 21 times each day (which I did religiously) etc. But finally, at age 53, I finally realized that this was not working and God is so very good – and pointed to Henry Wright. Now I understand, that I am faithful to give over this fear and that fear (as he teaches that science as listed some huge amount of different kinds of fears known to mankind and seriously likes to add (so that we’ll laugh, but it is true) that there is a fear called, “fear of pastors”. Anyway, my husband is so pleased and so am I that so many of my fears are just falling away, just for continuously bringing it out into the open before my father and putting it before him and humbly asking him to remove my defect. It is obviously hardwired into me since birth and probably before that. I’ve tried lots of things to get rid of it and nothing has worked! Asking, seeking, knocking is the answer! There are stories Jesus told about this and in the end, the person in the story always gave the person what they were seeking when you showed that you weren’t going to go away until you got it! Does God like for us to beg? No absolutely not – and I don’t want to get into the whole discussion on the ins and outs of why God needs to do it this way – but it MUST be done this way or He could actually make things worse for us if He didn’t. I’ll give you a hint at least on what I’m talking about, but the man that layed beside the pool of water waiting for the angel to come and stir it so that he could be the first one in the pool and be healed. Well, he never managed to get in there fast enough for many years and was still crippled. Jesus asked him if he wanted to be healed and in the end he told him that his sins were forgiven and to get up and go home. He later met him in the temple where he went afterwards and warned him to not commit that sin again or something worse might happen to him. There is an enemy kingdom and although we choose to not know anything about it (as a whole), it is nonetheless there and God is very much aware of this and has got to do the things He does the way He does it to protect us because He loves us and doesn’t want anything but the very best for us. He is patient and kind and always waiting for us. He says we don’t have because we don’t ask. So, He wants us to have “whatsoever we ask in His Name” so long as we “pray according to His Will”, but God’s will is to “give us the desires of our heart” and He is a good Father who “knows how to give good gifts to His children”. He desires only the very best for each and every one of us. Here is the last little tid bit I will add to make a little more sense of this. When we keep asking and knocking and seeking what ever it is we desire – we will often times start getting excited because we are expecting God to give it to us whenever He is ready to do and sees that we are ready to receive it. We begin growing in our belief about it and realizing more and more that He wants to do it with all of His heart and then one day when he gives it to us, we are determined to not let anything or anyone steal it from us. So when that old thought comes knocking on the door once again – we say, “Oh no you don’t – you dumb thought – I will have none of you! Get lost!” We have stood strong against the thing and it flees. That is what God needs to know we’re going to do when he takes something from us (our addiction of choice – be it fear, anxiety, stress, alcoholism, over-eating, gambling, sex addiction, etc.). God will take it and then we have to cooperate and stand strong and not allow it to re-entangle us. God is SOOOOO smart and He knows when we’re ready. With all of His heart, I know that He wants to do it. We are the only thing in the way – but God is not mad about this either – He is constantly working to help us be ready for the Gift He wants to give us that we so greatly desire. I still have some fears left – “Fear of Man” (fear of what they think of me), which is a biggy for me. I’ve begun to realize that it seems more important to me what Men/Women think of me than what God thinks of me and of the fear I exhibit when I feel I’m not pleasing and “good enough” for them. God’s still working on me! and I love Him for it. The Holy Spirit is a real gentlemen and He points out the daily things that are bothering me and some days I’m good at giving it over to God and humbly asking Him to remove it and some days I do terrible. But at least it is beginning to be – 2 steps back – 3 steps forward with forward progress all because of one reason – in my opinion: because I am finally able to see that God really truly loves me and wants only good for me; that He has plans for me – good plans, plans to prosper me, to give me hope and a (good) future. I really truly am beginning to believe this most of the time. However, that was another thing I have been asking God to re-arrange my brain to see differently – as I was hard wired to believe the opposite. God is so good! My very best friend – who is about 85 years old – has always said – several times every day, “God is so good to me!” with such joy. She actually really believed this and you know what – God truly is good to her. How could He help himself?
Two things.
First, I know some people who are highly artistic and afraid to express themselves. One said it was for fear of being wasteful. The other said it was for fear of rejection. From the outside, this seems irrational. Why care what others think? Why care about being wasteful? This is a really healthy outlet! I was not factoring in this fear when I saw someone who is creative, who needs to be creative and doesn’t do it. Whenever someone’s behavior seems irrational, that usually means I’m not looking at the whole picture.
Second, I used to practice making the perfect arrows in college with Kris Kendall. Why arrows? In Physics, there’s a concept of a vector, which is something that has magnitude and direction, like velocity. Velocity has both a magnitude (speed) and direction. When you graphically represent a vector, you use an arrow. We used to practice making the most picture-perfect arrows. Perhaps we were afraid of failing (a very common occurrence at Mines). Honestly, I’m not sure.
Laurel, I sometimes do this when writing by hand – erase imperfectly formed letters and do them over. I’ve thought of it in terms of wanting to be sure my writing is legible so that I can communicate clearly. Perhaps it is a form of perfectionism as well, but since it doesn’t slow me down too much – and I can later actually read what I wrote – I’m not too concerned. But the wall of fear you mention – that I AM concerned about, agree with, and work regularly to overcome. Thanks for the insights!
Thanks for bringing this up. Many writers are compulsive, as you point out. For myself, it is a struggle almost a physical struggle not to underline, highlight or notate in the margins of a book by which I am particularly moved. You can imagine how I fight myself when reading a borrowed book.
I hope you can overcome this compulsion if it bothers you, but I wonder why you don’t just go with it. Now that you’ve analyzed yourself, relax. If you need to make things uniform, so what? Erase, rewrite and enjoy! I’m doing just that with my hard-copy of ( Michener’s )”The Source” which, you may remember, is my all-time favorite book. It’s now spiked with ‘post-it’ strips, indelible with colored highlights and thick with notes between pages. But this book gets to me emotionally and I must react to it. Adjust your letters and numbers and don’t worry about it. You are an artist.