For several days last week, television featured John McCain’s funeral. His passing saddened me because we lost a man willing to be present with, give emotional support to, and befriend many who did not agree with his politics.
Over the years, I have witnessed coworkers, friends and families split over politics or social media posts. Remember, your relationship with friends and family must come first. Your senator, congressman or president will not be present at your dying moment—your friends and/or family will. McCain wasn’t the only senator or congressman willing to set aside politics for friendship, but there are too few—and not just in the political arena.
We wound ourselves as individuals and as a nation by forgetting civil discourse in favor of bitterness, anger and division. Not a recent development, it is rather an insidious attitude that evolved gradually over the last 30 or more years and became a viral infection. It took a long time to get where we are, and it will take time and effort to reverse course. Everyone gives lip service to civility, but attitudes, discourse and defensive posturing continue to worsen.
Given the environment, we’re all vulnerable to this type of behavior and thinking—I know I am. What might we do to heal the wounds between politicians, friends or family inflicted by constant conflict and partisan bickering? Although only one person who affects a small corner of the world, I wanted to do my part to keep from pouring salt into the nation’s wounds. I created guidelines for myself. Be assured that I am a work in progress on this. However, these standards helped me evaluate and improve my own attitudes:
1. Never question motive. Most people function from mixed motives, and only God knows the heart. I have no business deciding or analyzing why people say or do anything. I’ve known people who acknowledged doing the right thing for the wrong motive, and vise versa.
2. Practice kind assumptions. When people think or act opposite from the way I feel they should, I remind myself they are doing their best and thinking their best. We all come from different socioeconomic backgrounds, religious upbringings and work environments that influence our way of approaching life.
3. Listen. This cannot include considering a rebuttal while another speaks. It does include concentrating on the speaker’s words and body language. By doing this, I will learn why others think as they do and get acquainted with them on a deeper level. Instead of judgment and critical attitudes, I can offer understanding and support.
4. Censure what I watch on TV, read or listen to on radio. People make lots of money stirring the pot of conflict and anger. They are not interested in kindness or civility. They are not worthy of my time. I will find avenues for information that treat everyone with respect and can handle differences with grace.
5. Last but not least, remember what we Baby Boomers were taught as children: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say it!” That does not mean I muzzle myself on ideas or wrongdoings. Rather, I watch that I not gossip, call names or make negative statements about others. Engage the brain and weigh words before engaging the tongue. No matter the subject, this is good generational advice.
The message of John McCain’s life and funeral is needed today. It was a timely reminder for me to continue to practice my five standards listed above. We need not all agree with John McCain’s policy positions in order to appreciate his attempts at civility and friendship. We need more like him.
Copyright Laurel Jean Becker 9/1/18
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